yup, messing up with language a little bit there. but those two words are exactly the words that could express my feelings right now. no, it’s not about romance or anything related to teenlife (though I wouldn’t deny that it’s 20% that), but this is more about how I see my future.

I take my future errands quite seriously and even now I’m thinking about it. But currently, I’m looking through the glasses of a SMAK 1 natural science student. I see my grades as being “quite dissapointing”, and even “failed”. you see, I am good at other subjects, consisting of *PS: no intention on boasting here* chemistry, Indonesian, and English. sometimes I also get good scores on other subjects, too. Overall, my scores are quite good for SMAK 1 standard if it wasn’t for the dreaded MATH SCORE. Yes, I failed on my math. my score for this semester doesn’t pass through the standard minimum score for it so that it’s classified as “not failed”. this puts me in danger of having to repeat grade 11 all over again next year. yes, I know that all of my other scores are quite good, but it doesn’t guarantee that I won’t have to repeat next year, as math is one of the major subjects of Natural Science Program. it means if I fail on one of the major subjects (the others being physics, chemistry, and biology) at the end of the second semester, I’d have to repeat eleventh grade. and that would be such a waste of money and time.

why am I so concerned about this? I have been planning and thinking of what I would go for after high school. my first option is to get scholarship somewhere overseas. oh, FYI, I’m trying to avoid going to local universities as hard as it can be, for I want to avoid the orientation process which are usually, well, not within my range of principles. as my parents aren’t heavy moneymakers, I would have to rely on scholarship to be able to study overseas. Getting a scholarship would be very tough, especially that you need good grades to qualify. well, based on the fact that I failed on my math this semester, scholarship is out of the option. Call me pessimisstic but I think I’m being realistic here. what scholarship would I get if one of my grades fails?

Another option is going to europe. I choose Germany as a destination, as I heard that higher education is germany is far cheaper than any other countries as there are states which gives free education to their students, which means you only have to mind about your living costs while studying there. My mother already approves that she would be able to support me during my first year in Germany, but afterwards I’m on my own. I’m actually quite okay with this idea, but as I’m heading towards chemical engineering as my main subject in the university, and the university that I pick is one of the elite universities in germany, I’m getting less and less sure about my chances of getting admitted there. besides, my deutsch is not that good, but it can still be coped by learning it earlier. but still, I’m not quite sure.

well the last option is to stay in Indonesia. when there’s no other option left, I’d pick this one.

this piece of post might be quite confusing for those of you who reads it. well I have to admit that I’m not that good at expressing my feelings and emotions and I tend to keep them for myself. hence is this blogpost.

well, thanks for listening anyway.