hi, folks. sori klo bahasa gw bakal rada berantakan di post ini. yah sbnernya di post-post gw belakangan bahasa gw berantakan mlu, tapi mari kita bahas itu belakangan saja….

belakangan ini gw jadi sering banget ngerasa…. aneh. ga tau deh. ada orang yang bilang galau, ada orang yang bilang bimbang, ada orang yang bilang labil, gw juga sejujurnya ga tau apa yang sbnernya. mungkin klo sedikit gw pikir2 lagi, gw rasa ini sebenernya rasa takut. ya, takut. belakangan ini entah kenapa gw sering banget ngerasa takut. idk, it’s just that fear keeps on coming and coming and coming, and no matter how I want it to leave me, it just doesn’t. instead it’s getting more and more regular. it can come anytime, anywhere, under any circumstances, and without my will. *duh, fear doesn’t come at will* maybe it’s because a lot of pressure that’s been pressing me a lot. most of it are connected to what I think what my future is going to be. sometimes it’s just too much, that I’m left silently reminiscing and thinking about it inside my conscience. I’m trying to figure out a solution to all of those things, fears, of whatever it is, but still, even though I think I’ve found a solution, it doesn’t get out of my mind. well, it is about my future, or at least the future I’m hoping to experience. you will know soon from my post titled “PROJECT GRIGNARD” which is not yet completed, it was supposed to be completed before new year’s eve, that I’m planning on going to Germany in pursuit of higher education. and in order to achieve that, I would need a hell lot of money. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about ways to make money during my study in Germany later, like getting side jobs, performing some dance shows, getting in some competitions, etc. I also think about ways I could do to harvest money to support me there while being in Indonesia, like getting into competitions that yields money, fully save my allowance, etc. I even think of ways to save money while being in Germany, like to live in shared lofts that is located and organized by the university to cut down accomodation expenses, eat cheaper food, not buy a lot of things while being there, etc. but as time goes by, I think of a lot of obstacles there. for example, I don’t think that my dance skill is good enough that I would even get into a dance company and perform in germany. my brain isn’t genius enough to allow me win a lot of competitions, especially competions that I think I’m good at, which is chemistry. Oh, and about chemistry, I’m not that confidence in my chemistry skills! I’m not noel, who won gold medal at IChO! I’m not KT, who won gold medal in OSN! I’m not Joshia, who also won a medal on OSN! these guys are really good at chemistry, that sometimes I look at them and just awed, thinking of how am I gonna get even near such ability. Me? I think I’m just someone who thinks he knows a lot of things about chemistry, who is such a know-it-all smart-ass  who thinks he is quite good at chemistry! while in fact, I’m not that good at chemistry! I’m also not that good at dancing! not that good in parkour as well! even COOKING! the thing that I think could be something that I’m proud of! I don’t ven think I have anything worth to be proud of. any skill, that I’m really good at, that I really master to the point where I have no doubts whatsoever in sharing my knowledge to people! even maybe sometimes boast about it a little! I’m not gonna lie, I love to show my pride over what I am good at! I know it’s a bad thing and I’m currently trying to subdue it! well you know what? anytime I’m gonna boast about something, it’s gonna be just empty talks, more talk less skill. I don’t want that! I REPEAT, I DON”T WANT THAT! I need a skill where I’m actually good at, where I can talk about it within range of humility, where I can sho a little bit of pride and confidence!

you know, maybe I’m just tired of not completing something up to the point where I’m supposed to excel at. usually I get into a competition, I excel at the beginning, and then I fail just before I’m about to go to the upper level. I’m tired of it. I know that a lot of times I’ve been up there. maybe all I need is a little humility? a little conscience and guarantee that once I get up there I won’t boast about it, won’t think of that as I did on my own? for my own glory? perhaps.

—- sorry if this post seems to have no closure and uses a messed-up language. It’s just a way for me to express what’s on my mind now. ——-